Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
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The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.