I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning