20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
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*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Yup.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.