[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
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[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
WWE is French for “yes”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
worst…sale…ever
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours