This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
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Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.