When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Is this a threat?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Saving my good tweets for marriage
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?