[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
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*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.