So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
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*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
you gotta be faster
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
dude it’s called proctologist
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.