Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
You Might Also Like
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.