Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok