St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Hey I worked for it too!
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?