God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
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Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Breaking news:
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Best spot.. 😅
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks