*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
What’s a Messi?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]