nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
You Might Also Like
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit