[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
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[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Why is no one talking about this?!
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.