ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
You Might Also Like
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡