DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is