My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
You Might Also Like
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.