flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
You Might Also Like
Not all heroes wear capes.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*seductively corrects your posture*
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.