“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.