Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.