Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…