with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
This kinda thing happens to me often
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.