[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
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“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
man i love columbo
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.