Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
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It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.