dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
You Might Also Like
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?