*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
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All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Just ordered me some pizza!
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”