tinder is all about the long game
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I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
as is their right
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Kids: Stay in school.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.