Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
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Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.