Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
You Might Also Like
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Whoa 😂
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.