I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.