My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.