THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
mariah carrie
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it