Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
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My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
When he asks for feet pics
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.