DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
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My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I can’t deal with men any longer
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people