Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
You Might Also Like
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
No regrets in 2018
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Monday?
No. Next question.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin