My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”