“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
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when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%