I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
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Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!