if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.