ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
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Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Had to try this trend 😊
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.