[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
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STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.