It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.