WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
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baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.