A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
@ candidates for local office
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.