This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.