Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
He’s dead
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit