Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
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Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
🙀🙀🙀😹
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*