By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
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Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
(Musicians.)
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I love wikipedia
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.