The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
You Might Also Like
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
somewhere, in an alternate universe
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
lol
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.